It keeps coming. The pain, the sorrow, the anger, the bitterness... all of it.

I woke up this morning with a lump in my throat. It still hasn't gone away. At least I didn't have any of the dreams. The dreams are the worst. I'll be walking down the street and see him through the crowd, and I'll stop and look, and it's really him. I call out, and I run over to him, realizing it was all just a huge joke. I'm angry, so I shove him and swear at him and tell him he never should have done it. Then we hug, and our friendship is renewed and all is well again.

And I wake up. It's gone.

The the friendship and joy is replaced by the knowledge I will never know that experience again. My friend is gone and I will not see him this week, or next week, or the week after that. I cannot go to him and pour out my heart, to have him shoulder the burden with me. I cannot tell him of everything else that has gone wrong this month - how the doctor called to say that Rachael's medication will not be approved by the insurance company, that she might just have to go blind because of the selfishness and greed of businessmen. Or the student I love and counsel whose father has forbidden her from talking to me. O God, how can I hope in you when all has fallen?!

And if he were here, maybe I could get through one more day, one more trial, one more problem. But he is gone, and will never come back. And my soul sinks back into hopelessness.

Maybe today I'll put a happy face on it so that everyone around me can move on.
Maybe I won't.